this road. these roads.

“you become what you think about the most of the time”-- Brian Tracy  

I walk down this dirt road most days, I’ve come to know now when it dips, when it turns slightly, what places to avoid when it rains. I’ve come to know who to expect during each point of the road, a man selling shoes, a woman selling potatoes, a man with eggs and newspapers, and of course: Mama Irene, my fruit dealer and friend.

It’s not a country road by any means, it’s a developed road, with nice homes and apartments on either side, it’s a road that’s traveled often, cars and big trucks, kids on bikes.

I’ve always been drawn to dirt roads. I like the feel underneath my feet, I like the worn parts of the road from travel, from a decision that one person made, and many followed, the worn tread of travel. I like the uncertainty of a dirt road, that it could change with the weather, that a rain storm could mean a different route...or it could mean that you just try harder.

I love the feel of my body in movement, I love panoramic views that shift as I go. Right foot, left foot, right foot...breathe in, breathe out. When I see a shift in turn, or the rise of the hill I must always go to see, if you’re walking with me, then I’ll ask you too “lets go see” because you just never know...

Some of the most beautiful things in my life I found just up over the hill.

Some days I walk quickly, the momentum gives me the illusion that I have somewhere to go...and I dont take the time to look at the other people on the road, because “I dont have the time.” but I do. And who have I become if my thoughts that drum across my mind, sometimes incessantly, sometimes rhythmically, stop me from seeing. What’s right before me.

Can you see what’s right before you?

Can you see who’s right before you?

And what do you know of them? If you say nothing, then I’d gently remind you, that of language, circumstance, past and present, be of no matter. As my friend Ellen sent in a message, deep down we all want the same things - to be loved, accepted and to make a contribution.

So now can you see? Your road. Where you are.

I’ve been beating myself up on this road most days. I’ve been thinking about all the things I havent done correctly, of all the things I could do different/better, about how I am failing, about how I am wrong, taking responsibility and meddling things that have nothing to do with me, about how this road doesnt lead to an ocean, or a view, and so, it’s not good enough. I dont do this all the time...but enough. Enough.

Enough.

“you become what you think about most of the time.” I read this the other day and it stopped me. I’m becoming more mindful of how I create this on any road I may be on. How our internal world reflects what we see in our external world. And how this road will never be good enough if that’s how I feel about myself inside. And yes it appears that in my latest adventure of landing here in Kenya means that somehow I got this down....well guess what, i’m faking it.

I was talking to my mentor the other day, and after much boo-hoo-wah-wah-snot-out-the-nose-fest, I had awareness enough to say, “who I thought I was, is not who I am. I have learned so much and now, and any environment I move into next, I must speak honestly about who I am.” She then asked “who are you?” to which I gave some long-winded-attractive-adjective answer about connecting with people is my gift and blah blah and smiled to  and said “you know what I mean?” And she replied “Um, no. None of what you said makes any sense at all, get clear.” --pause--- Me “right. well the truth is, I dont know” To which she answered with true glee: “exactly. good work”

Yes, so what I’ve come to find out is I dont know anything. It’s that old adage “where ever you go, there you are.” Travel might shift your perspective in a beautiful way, culture might open your heart in a BIG way, an adventure might kick start and breathe life back into the places that feel really damn good...but the question is: what am I going to do with all of that now? I dont know the answer yet, but I wont stop trying.

I will forever be in pursuit of dirt roads, and views, and know that the road I move to one day with my family will lead to the ocean. That I want to walk that road with my hands joined with others: connected. That these little souls will call me momma, and that the bigger soul, he will call me love.

That to get there, it’s one road at a time. That to get there is to understand exactly where I am now. That to get there means for goodness sakes, I’m already there.

on pavement. on dirt. sand. no matter the rain. no matter where it leads.

To see what’s up just over the hill.