Oh shit. Everything is impermanent.
She said. ‘everything is impermanent’ intrigued…I said it back to myself. ‘everything is impermanent…everything is impermanent….everything is…’
Impermanent.
These words intrigued me enough to continue to repeat in my head, and then she offered this: ‘how much of your life do you create a struggle around, in effort to make everything permanent’
I sat in a circle a lot this weekend. I sat in a small room, with a lot of people. We folded into compact shapes, at times we closed our eyes, and rested our hands to face the sky. I sat in this circle and I breathed, and these 4-days ago, strangers, they did too. Slowly as the days moved, we moved. Slowly as our breath moved, we confessed into that space, some of us with our heads raised, some of us with our heads down. We confessed our joy, our fear, we confessed the conditions that make us human, we wrote the beginning our all of our stories together, on a beautiful typerwriter saved for tales of this measure, each key a sound out loud. The words become then, of the time when we…
We celebrated. The giant sound of laughter that shook us awake and alive just as much, as the startle of tears that come, the hands that clench, the body that releases, could you hear then that you really are ‘exactly where you are supposed to be’ could you try…
Slow breath, became fast breath, breath to be caught, cursed, blessed, and given. In the larger space, we moved together, at times we moved alone. The sound of breath bringing us back had we gone away, to me this breath always speaks to, you are never alone, and try as I may, it’s too loud, to hear, to here, and I cannot deny it, because I am it. The you and me and our breath, our pledge. My yoga mat is where I find this most clearly, and everywhere else is where I get to practice. My yoga mat is just the beginning.
Today I looked around the room, and where I looked at each person, and I could feel just where they were now in my heart, and would never again be a stranger. Now what does it take for that to happen…is it 4-days? No, it’s not. There are people in my life that have been there the whole time, or a long-long time, and I do not know them, and they do not know me.
It is a willingness to be human, to be outloud, to be afraid, to be amazed, to be humbled, to begin again, and anywhere.
Begin anywhere.
The first weekend of teacher training at Zuda has come to a close. I end this weekend, filled with such gratitude that I have received a place in this order. That I have a spot in our circle. That I get to sit and be a student, taught by some really amazing teachers that have met me with such kindness and depth. That through the space of this weekend I am reminded of the places where I have deep shame and sadness, but that my laughter comes easy and comes real. That the darkness of what was will never again repeat itself in the way that it did for so many years, because I have the skills now on how to turn on the lights. That after just 4-days 35 strangers become 35 new friends.
To be a yoga teacher is to always be learning, as I was reminded in a friends blog just the other day and one of my favorite moments from the steve jobs bio ‘stay hungry. stay foolish’
I feel a sense of hope for my own life that I don’t believe I have ever experienced quite like this before. I’ll leave you with this final consideration….’we accept the love we believe we deserve’
Get in a circle. Get real with people. Be with people. Care about people. Move your body. Sweat. Open your heart. Cry. Get rip-roaring pissed. Forgive. Give flight to your feelings, say them out loud.
Nothing is permanent after all. And my quest for the day when things are x, y, and z stops me from seeing what I have today. It is so good to look ahead, have a game plan of sorts tucked in your well worn jeans, but what about right now. Can you remember what you said today? Can you remember who you said it to. Did you care enough to say hello to someone new…you never know how that stranger could change your whole damn life.
Good news. Today is a brand new day. Go ahead.